The Silliest Aristocrat
by dumbdumpbadumpa
Summary: It's slap stick where Feliciano is rich and naked and his butlers, Ludwig and Kiku, try to keep out of his whirlwind but always get drawn in anyway. Telephone cords, coffee, dancing, all the good stuff. Slightly Itapan (They are the dancing ones.) Human AU


"Ludwig! Could you get that for me?" said Feliciano from across the house as the phone rang. He was wrapping his wet hair in a towel with bathroom steam floating across his wild outdoors, it was no time for him to run across the house naked just to answer a phone.

It seemed Kiku was rubbing off on him.

"It's Spain."

"Oh!" Feliciano tied his towel and held it steady as he bounded through the bright house, streaking past windows and hoping not to bump into Kiku, because wouldn't that be the makings of a dramatic Gatsby level romantic encounter?

"Fe! liciano." Wheezed Kiku, catching Feliciano in his arms like Romano and Juliette. Feliciano's towel-beehive poked under his chin, and his eyes accidentally traced down the dip of his vertebrae under the smooth bronzed skin of his back, and he tossed his chin and frowned at the high ceiling. "Don't run through the house if you're not looking where you're going. And put a towel over yourself next time, please!"

"I will next time, I promise! I, heh, hope you weren't carrying anything like my coffee." groaned Feliciano, falling from Kiku and wiping hot coffee off his chest. "Because it's, heh, uh, on the floor now."

"Don't move, the Cornellware shattered. I'm so sorry, you were going too fast, Feliciano." (It had taken Feliciano a long time to get Kiku and Ludwig to call him by his name, not by his grandfather's name. Mr. Vargas, that wasn't a name of a twenty-something; Feliciano wasn't a parent! Nor a mister.)

So Feliciano smiled, "Sure, yeah, I'll clean this up. It's not your fault!" he cooed, holding still as Kiku bent over him like Twister, to pick up some of the larger pieces of glass.

"Feliciano!" called Ludwig.

"Tell them, uh, tell them - no don't come in here, please, tell them I'm, you know,"  
"You're what? In the shower?"

"No, don't stretch that far." Feliciano said it to both of them.

"Nonsense. Almost finished." Kiku said.

"Tell them something clever, but not a lie, please, unless it's a pretty one. You're so smart!" Feliciano looked over to the cup and found that Kiku had completely gathered it into his hand. Feliciano was starting to worry that he'd have to take another shower, with this awkward bendie coffee bath. Kiku struggled to stand from his stretched out pose, and then offered Feliciano a hand up.

"There."

Feliciano took a step to run down the hall and get a mop, but Kiku stepped in his way. "Oops, sorry. Oh, oh." He moved to block him each time. "Okay, you go left and I'll go right. Oh. Oh. I've never heard of this happening in a hall so wide. Hey. Are you trying to run into me again, Feliciano. I think the kids call this dancing. Here. No."

"The phone!" Bellowed Ludwig.

"Tell them I'm dancing with a girl from King Of Prussia."

"Can I just say Philadelphia?"

"You think I couldn't pick up a girl from King Of Prussia?"

"Oh no," Ludwig's head came around the corner smugly, seeing Feliciano was now literally dancing with his arms around the small of Kiku's back, trying to get them to turn around, but Kiku was keeping them from doing so. It was definitely one of those passionate Cleopatra and Caesar dances, some sort of waltz Feliciano'd learned as a boy. "I think you couldn't pick up a _girl_ at all, sir."

"Feliciano!" The receiver vibrated in Ludwig's hand. "It's me!"

Feliciano stuck his tongue out at both of them, refraining from doing anything ruder, but he did glance at Kiku's face to see him looking at Feliciano the same way Ludwig was, with no romance at all, nothing like the way Jack would look at Rose. Feliciano pouted at him, and pouted at Ludwig, and even threw one to Antonio.

He put his arm up to reach for the phone with a tiny sigh, but Kiku tapped his foot on his toes to remind him proper etiquette meant he couldn't reach for things as they _absolutely did not spin_ around, gracefully - the broom closet was right down the hall, and it seemed like Kiku would do whatever it took to do his job. Even dance with a naked aristocrat.

But, Ludwig was pulling the receiver as far as the cord would go, all the way from the kitchen, and the usually spiraled cord was taut and straight. Feliciano tried to nudge Kiku over towards Ludwig's arm, and he did finally take Feliciano's directions and stepped with him towards the phone. "Feliciano, are you there! It's important!" Antonio said.

"Yes, right here! Is it news?"

"Goooood news!"

Feliciano's fingers brushed over the receiver as Kiku spun him, finally, but too far away from the correct hallway to attempt an escape, plus as soon as Feliciano trotted his way back into Kiku's arms, they were a vice grip, like he could read his mind the way one can still read the name of a book they've read so many times the spine is falling off, but in a professional way.

With one more step, Feliciano grabbed the phone and clamped it to his ear, pulling it as far as it would go, with Ludwig helping it from actually pulling off the wall by tugging against Feliciano. "Hello, Antonio! It's so nice of you to call!"

With another couple of steps, Ludwig could let go and Feliciano could relax his grip for a moment. But then Kiku spun him again, in a dazzlingly fast twirl, and let go of his hand. He kept spinning, and the towel around his head came undone as he spun with the receiver. The cord did a funny thing, it spun around him like Kiku would if he wasn't running to get a mop for the spill. It was wrapping around him and around him and he was starting to get very dizzy but he couldn't stop spinning because he was going to fast. "Oof." he ran into the kitchen counter and the telephone almost got shaken off, but it didn't and the cord was completely around Feliciano who almost fell, but he didn't.

"Yes, yes, I have big news about the patent."

Ludwig left the kitchen and went down the hall and Feliciano started trying to unwind himself. He turned around just quickly enough to see Ludwig go right over the coffee and slip down on his rear end with a yelp - he must have forgotten or misheard about the collision - and Kiku ran down the hall with a mop and almost hit Ludwig in the head with it. "Sorry! Sorry! What are you doing?"

"I slipped."

Kiku helped Ludwig up and Feliciano giggled. He'd have to give his butlers a bonus, they sure deserved it, especially with the big bittersweet blotch of wetness on Ludwig's butt. A new pair of slacks, maybe Feliciano could sneak behind his back without getting caught up in a waltz or phone wire, and buy him a new pair of slacks. "Yes, what's the news?" He glared at Kiku, realizing that he'd meant him to get tangled to completely prevent him from getting to clean his own mess, and kept unrolling himself until he was straining against the cord.

Kiku smiled at him, and came over, ushering him back into the kitchen so the telephone wouldn't rip off the wall, and grabbed his hair-towel off the floor. Then he went back and gave it to Ludwig, giving Feliciano a look that begged him to at least wear clothes next time.

"Hello? Feliciano?"

"I'm sorry Antonio, I got tangled up for a second, what was that?"


End file.
